| hmmmm |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|08:54 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | into the darkness- the frames | ] |
 Dear Santa...
Dear Santa,
This year I've been busy!
Last week on a flight to LA, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In May I got in line at the supermarket at the same time as someone else and I didn't yield (-8 points). Last Thursday I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Last Sunday I put gum in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) xlunarxabyssx's hair (-12 points). Last month I bought porn for anarchy_eggs (10 points).
Overall, I've been naughty (-56 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich!
Sincerely,
Candynovacaine |
|
|
|
| SO HERE WE GO |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|11:15 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | simple man- shinedown | ] |
if you havent heard yet, and this is mostly to my SCHAUMBURG KIDS:
IM COMING HOME ON NOVEMBER 11TH!!!!!!!
yes, after one year (almost) i am finally coming home... man oh man im excited.... the only problem is... i dont know if ill be coming back to o'fo'. im scared that im gonna get home and not leave
meh.
see some of you in a few days!!!! |
|
|
| Ugh. Ive frustrated myself |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|07:10 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | live this life- the queers | ] |
I'm sick of being pushed around and misunderstood
Explain myself the best I can but it doesn't do any good
I wish Joey was president, oh what can I say
And everybody got to surf like Californ-i-a
And now I wanna kill someone and now I wanna die
But I think that I'll just sit in my room and cry
I wish Joey was president, oh what can I say
And everybody got to surf like Californ-i-a
Oh I live this life -- and I love it
Oh I live this life -- and I love it
Oh I live this life -- and I love it
Oh I live this life
You know that I really hate you
And all the fucked up things that you do
I'm doing okay, so listen to what I say
HEY!
"live this life"- the queers |
|
|
| DYKE |
[Sep. 4th, 2005|01:31 am] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| | displaced and insane like | ] |
| [ | music |
| | in the cut and jenny snoring | ] |
what else did they think of?
the things they didnt say
thats what offended me- the hatred buried in her fake acrylic cuticles
the homophobia hidden in his prosthetic smile.
the hatred burning in their eyes for me- the girl they didnt know
the dyke
the clit-licker
the cuntbag
the one person that was brave enough to challenge them
to challenge their parasitic way of thinking
their stupid ideas that they try to impress upon me
their idiotic attempts at trying to carve into my skin their petty fears
"the dyke might hit on me"
"is she staring at my tits?"
"i wonder if she hits the cock"
the answers are
no
they are way too small
and that none of your fucking buisness |
|
|
| Falling apart and going to bed angry |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|11:22 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | radio- alkaline trio | ] |
Rokchyld18: home is where your best friend lives right down the street and you fall asleep to the street light in your window and busy road outside your front door and your walk home from school is more than just a walk home- its a tradition. home is where you get your first kiss and sing songs in the park without caring who hears cuz everyone is use to it, home is the ride to school that consists of cigarettes and morning talk shows, and the place you first found love, its rainy days in puddles wearing your best guy friends sweatshirt and stupid football stadium assemblies with people you cant stand but couldnt live without
Rokchyld18: its three floored high schools and gym class teachers from the twilight zone falling asleep in "your own" hallway and hiding outside during lunch |
|
|
| Scarily most of these are true |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|12:42 am] |
What You Really Think Of Your Friends
|
Drea is your soulmate. |
| You truly love Colin. |
| You consider Kaley your true friend. |
| You know that Phil is always thinking of you. |
| You'll remember Kat for the rest of your life. |
| You secretly think Britt is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times. |
| You secretly think that Babs is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker. |
| You secretly think that Colin is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Colin changes lovers faster than underwear. |
| You secretly think Kenny is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Kenny has a hidden internet romance. |
|
|
|
| ITS SO TRUE!!!! |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|12:38 am] |
The Keys to Your Heart
|
You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
|
|
|
| IM A THORN IN THE SIDE OF THE ONLY LOVE I THOUGHT I REALLY KNEW |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|12:03 am] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NOTHING A SILENT HOUSE | ] |
see this....this is me confessing
see that icon
it speaks the truth
It hurts how much I want to hate you and I can say that because you dont read this
you dont know its here. |
|
|
| BLAH |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|11:09 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i bleieve i can fly- me first and the gimmie gimmies | ] |
I jsut dyed my hair. I hate it. Its medium brown and less flattering than even I imagined.
I hate it.
shoulda gone natural....dark dark dark almost black brown. me and mommy figured it out today. |
|
|
| oooooooooooooooooooooh |
[Jul. 14th, 2005|11:42 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  confused and hurt | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Where have yuou been- reel big fish | ] |
You are a daydreamer you sit and dream of what you
want your life to be like and how it is now.
Try to step back into the real world for it can
be a dangerous place inside the imagination...
What are you? (10 different outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla |
|
|
| The rantings of a neurotic schitzophrenic |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|01:53 am] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the fan and kennys pouty noises and kats shuffling | ] |
Kat and Kenny are sleeping and im sad so i cant do as such.
I think i need to stop being brutally honest. but the odd part is, that i cant be when i truly want it to show. like with certain peoples who have certain fucked up games....no names of course.
Kaley makes me sad.
Its hot and stuffy and I wanna go for a walk but i cant cuz kat lives in an apartment and ill get locked out.
awwwwwwwwwwww meow mix and her turtle, they make me laugh, my legs hurt... i need to talk to someone get all this shit in my head figured out. it sits like a stone on my mind waves, sending all but good vibes.
school and work tomorrow. work all week except sunday.
ugh. the things i do for money. |
|
|
| by kat kenny me |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|06:34 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Garbage | ] |
  |
|
|
| Drinking novacaine and nursing a shot the wrong way |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|12:22 am] |
I like my default picture, its my eye... I like my eyes....sometimes.
I showered because I smelled like McDonald's food and latex.
I was talking to Drea and she made me think.....again, this is one of my more dangerous habits and when i do it, it can have serious boomerang effects.
I thought about all the people Ive been with....especially colin. Maybe its the nightmares that Ive been having. I think the nightmares mean that we are losing touch and he is dead to my life at the moment. And I thought about Mandi and Shannon. Shannon was beautiful, anyone who has seen her knows it. I was never good enough cuz shannon was always there in the back of his mind. Everytime he looked at me everytime he called me, everytime I thought "It might be different this time around." But it never was because Shannon was beautiful. Mandi too. The only difference is that Mandi was very good friend, and shannon was an ocean away.
If you wonderful readers havent caught on yet, or in the entire time you've known me, my self-esteem sucks, and yes, I know it.
As I sit here at 12:30 A.M. all i can think is how Im going to spend the rest of my summer avoiding my wonderful, amazing, and happy friends. I hate being a mood killer, and the last thing Kat and Kenny and crew need to hear is how much nikki misses home. And Drea and Britt and Vince dont need to know how sucktastic and sick-suicidal nikki is because she has failed again, and because she cant find substance in anything in her life. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|12:54 am] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chloe, lovely chloe | ] |
|
|
|
| THIS MAKES YOUR BRAIN GO GUTTERFIED |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|10:53 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  creatively confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the one im waiting for- relient k | ] |
HAPPY GAY PRIDE WEEK
(ESPECIALLY TO KALEY AND CREW)
 
|
|
|
| MEH. |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|08:21 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| | frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | swing life away- rise against | ] |
ok, a few things here. This is my new journal because the other one was being invaded by ego-pathic munchausen's infested witch. Anywho, I find myself not wanting to write anymore about anything right now, so thats it |
|
|
| Stuff I wanted to save from the other journal |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|11:35 pm] |
| [ | errm i feel kinda... |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the fan | ] |
3/4
Sleeping child
so innocent and untainted
laying in what appears to be the epitamy of dark
pale cheeks touch black pillow making it seem grey
small hands outreached as if embracing the dark
trying to make it better
sleeping child
so innocent and untainted
she sees no black and white
she doesnt know the difference between a storm cloud and a rainbow
sleeping child
so innocent and untainted
loves me anyways.
2/28
im chipped
im cracked
im strung out to dry
wondering why you love me
im wrong
contemplative
a song out of tune
im ugly
im sad
im mean
and im ruined
and im still wondering- how are we still friends?
im pale and im sickening
the skin keeps on thickening
why the fuck do you still hang around?
maybe one day ill find good medication
maybe one day ill ease the pain
maybe one day ill find solace
til then you all go away
2/25
working like clockwork
my thoughts are on the run
no surprise my brains on empty
losing my touch
i think im gaining substance
but do i want it?
dont rebuild bridges YOU GAVE YOUR SOUL to burn
especially when the grass isnt greener on the other side
its just not as dead
starring out a two story widow doesnt clear writers block
it just makes you feel like jumping
did i jump? or did i fall?
is there adifference in comformity
did i break my heart when i hit the ground?
or was it broken before i stepped away from the edge?
im sick of the safe side
im SICK of the same life
get me bored, get me content
get me out GET ME OUT.
2/16
This is my last goodbye
Rip my heart from me like a loose leaf notebook
I dont wanna write
I dont wanna cry
I hope you're happy where ever you are
In his bedroom or in the car
This is my last goodbye
Hello sunshine: I dont miss you
I dont need you she can have you
This doesnt mean that i dont want you
This is just my last goodbye
Friendship means too mucn to me
I focus on the little things
No one there can hear me screaming
...Even when Im in your face
So obvious like my mental state
Hello sunshine: Are you listening?
I dont care, not anymore
Im not trying to upset you
Im just trying to let you know
This doesnt mean that I dont miss you,
This is just my last goodbye.
When did keep in touch become "Fuck you thanks for leaving"?
It seems like Im the only one trying
What kinda slacker would I be if I kept on going?
2/13
Sing me a song
one with an ending designed to break a heart
Sing me a piercing scream unheard by everyone
one i can claim as only mine
sing me a story
one of a sad girl alone in a new kind of dark
She cant turn to the old
She cant confide in the new
Bold ugly girl turned weak ugly monster
Lost in all that she knows
A gleaming facade of what she never was
Isnt
Never will be
1/2
You're gonna break her
You're gonna make her cry
But she won't shed a tear, not when you're near
She was sure to say goodbye- make it finalized
You're gonna hurt her
You're not gonna know
Ignorance is bliss
Pain is her modern day fairytale
She sits in the lonliness of her little red room
She stares at the phone
Trying not to miss home.
1/6
I miss home
12:36a.m. and I'm still crying
Make-up, of course, unfazed
Waterproof just works that way
Dreaming of Acid smiles
Too bad I really can't dream
Phantasmic reality is killing me
I miss home
1/13
A million and one things to make me happy
But I'm still wasting away, still thinking of you
All my words are lost in the dead air
The silence hanging between me and the phone
Cyanide smiles as you contemplate music
Your voice is poision, your love is fake
I sit here dizzy with apprehension
Tears producing as I say another meaningless goodbye
1/14
Picture perfect memories that I cant claim as mine
Because with you everything's a fight, everyday a battle I cant win
A dead end again, everytime you slip I fall-- always on my face
With you there is no "easy" but strangely you seem to think I am
One time and suddenly Im the worlds biggest whore
So hold a grudge, stay bitter, but I cant take it back
I wont appologize for what I couldnt help
Maybe thinking might not hurt.
11/3
WAITING FOR CLOSURE
You look like shit
I'd never say it to your face,
But that's okay because we dont talk
With you I fell and I hit hard
I left my heart in the wrong arms again
Falling in was easy
Falling out is much much harder
I want to cry everytime I hear your name
But you lied to me
Why hasn't that hit me yet?
That it's not worth the time
I lose my lungs everytime I see you
I wish I knew why
I've tried to annul it
I've tried to forget
But the difference is I cared
I let you into my world
Stupid me
You lied
And my "best friend" fights for you
But she's vain and selfish too.
11/1
WHITE RABBIT
Fake its me entirely
Swallowing my once pure entirety
Leaving me broken with the smile of losers
I'm not like this, but I don't know what I'm like
So lost in my own creation
I like the no light
But if the light means Im dying
Bring on the end
Im too broken
But the words go thru you
Im begging for help
You ignore my being
Im sorry
Remember me?
I created the monster
You fed the lines
You fed the darkness
You nurtured it into a hybrid being
I created this monster
But you shaped her
You all constructed the unbreakable being
I am not strong enough
I am my own Jekyll
Consumed and ever plastered by the Hyde
I am this monster
I created this monster
Thanks a fucking lot for nuturing my terror
My legs still hurt
My heart is numb and I cant progress
A pergatory in which Ive made my mental home
And when I heard the screaming, I knew not that it was my own
And the things I see still kill me
And I'm dead to you
Im dead to me
I can't seem to lift my head enough to see the substantiality
The few the weak the useless
I can't love, alas, Ive obtained the power of truth in my words
I DON'T BELIEVE INL LOVE
9/12
Looking at the clock won't help the problem
And swallowing your fear won't make it go away
Little girl in a fucked up world
Created by her own disillusion
So she runs through life like she's on a schedule
Everyday ending much the same
And she loves the rain when its not soaking
And she loves the breeze when its not gusting
And she loves the winter when its not snowing
But the seasons change and her life stays the same
Looking in the mirror is her greatest fear
And facing the world scares this little girl
What happened to substanciality and where can I get some?
9/11
In the darkness I sat
Dizzy with contemplation
Rotting in Melancholy
Full with exhaustion
Even the breeze couldn't tame my shaking body
Even the fear of who knows what couldnt stop the tears
And to feel my face dry and maskless
I couldn't help but want those tears to be real
To cry and scream so hard inside and not be able to break the act in the lonliest of places
It's either a great gift
Or a horrible habit
Do I smile too much? Have I truly forgotten how to express my real emotions?
Is this my skin, is this my body, is this really what Ive become
Someone else's dream is my own true nightmare
But no, every part of this foreign body I feel when it's touched- it's completely tangible
And every part of these years Im taking in- they're real
And at the same time, I still can't help but think
Where's the fucking mirror and when does this wonderland end?
9/9
Burn out
Am I really that pathetic? Needing somehing to rely on
Always wanting the romantic
Break Away
I can't seem to grasp the handle
I don't want to be a sloppy second
Not the last one in the race- I'm not a "nice guy" I dont deserve this
Shut up
Can't say what I'm really feeling
Can't help but keep from crying
But my eyes must give it away- everyone can tell... almost everyone
I don't mean to upset
It wouldn't matter though
I know you'll forget it
So kiss me make it worth it
If not I just lose you
Lose to my own confusion
Lost to my own conclusions
I hate the way I hate to hate you
I hate the way I love to love you
Please be honest, I don't have another box for heartbreak.
9/9
Not enough hours in the day for me to say what I think
Not enoguh words in the universe to describe my own requiem
Not enough pieces to re-paste the paper mache` shell that was once my heart
The wires are still there, but the plasters crumbled to dust
And ripped
And torn
And still though- the wires are there
Bent and crooked and twisted
But exsistant
Freeze-dried paper mache` purely for your entertainment
Purely for the knowledge that I once was, and again someday might be... human
9/10
Should I know what to think
Should I know what to say
It was a little crazy for me
And the mood shifted
I know because I felt it
I know because I heard it
And the strangest part is, I don't know anything
And maybe this time that's a good thing
And maybe this time I should just pretend to forget it
But that questions still there, it never went away
That question full of insecurities
That question full of an answer I don't think I really want to hear
And at the same time it's the only thing I want to know
Should I ask? If I did, would the answer even be truthful?
FUCK, I hate this feeling. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
